Sunday, March 24, 2013

I Won't Give Up


My son’s asleep in his bed and my husband is working in the basement.  I’m alone in our bedroom.  I hear the cold air and wintry mix slap against the side of the house.  The tree limbs outside look like long arms that are just short of reaching inside our windows as they try every once and while with a tap, tap.  The outside air even smells cold; like heavy snow.  It’s the end of March and the cold weather has overstayed its welcome but in no time, the landscape will turn from barren and lifeless, still and white, the color of nothing--to something else, something alive.  I inhale a deep breath of artificially warm air and it brings me comfort for what awaits; that cold will turn into warmth, gray skies into sunshine and the snow will stop.  It always stops.  The color green will rise up in sprouts all around us, like it always does, as life springs into abundance; a surge of beauty everywhere.  We will step on with our bare toes the freshly grown grass, and then we’ll cut it down and eventually take it for granted.  We’ll awake to the first charming then suddenly intruding songs from the trees.  We’ll feel all at once, as Dylan Thomas wrote, the “force that through the green fuse drives the flower” in our blood, growing in our bellies, until we ourselves burst with color and life so new that it alters our world and everything around us.  I exhale with a sigh, a long awaited sign of hope that is echoed by the universe and I say out loud “thank you.” 

I’m pregnant. 

Now excuse me while I throw up.

I’m going to get very personal, again.  I’ll start by answering a question someone recently asked me.  Did I plan this?  Heck yes I planned this.  It’s been a stressful several months.  Let me quickly explain that after my mom’s knee surgery she suffered some pretty bad anxiety attacks that were brought on by her imbalanced chemical reaction to pain and trauma.  She took medicine, felt guilty about it, tried to take herself off of it, had to go on more medicine because of it, and the doctors couldn’t find the right balance to set her straight.  A couple of months ago while my poor mother was in the hospital suffering from what was eventually diagnosed as a nervous breakdown, I had a revelation.  No matter how much I tried to help her, I couldn’t fix her.  No matter how much I sacrificed for her, it wouldn’t change this.  No matter how much you hurt for and with someone, it won’t fix their problems.  Don't get me wrong.  It's okay to help someone that you love as much as you can.  But there comes a time when you have to let go and accept the fact that some situations can't be helped by you.  I watched my mom, the woman who always comforted me when I was in need, relentlessly pace the floor of the hospital while begging me to explain why all of this was happening to her.  I couldn’t.  I felt for her, but I couldn’t do anything about it.  An unreasonable fear had consumed her and all I could do was watch.  Suddenly my own problems came into focus and I had another revelation.  I wanted certain things in my own life and I had been putting off doing anything about it.  I felt like my life was passing me by.  Walking to my car later that night, I got so mad.  I resented fear.  I had had enough of it.  It was ruining our lives.  It hit me like a bolt of lightning; I wasn’t going to wait any longer.  There was something I wanted that was within my control and I had to do something about it.  I wanted a baby.  I know that seems like a giant leap in logic, but, stick with me.  As the Queen of A-ha moments Miss Oprah Winfrey herself would say in one of her pedantic speeches, “Beloved, if you want something, you have got to make it happen.”  So, sick mother or no, I was going to have a baby.  Responsibilities or not, I was going to have a baby.  Stress, heartache, fear…I wasn’t going to pace the metaphorical floor of my life any longer.  I was going to have another damn baby.

So I gave my husband fair warning and told him “get ready,” because I wasn’t going to give up until I was impregnated.  I’m talking protein shakes and energy shots, sit ups and squats, yoga and Sting…you get the idea.  I was ready.  Once I get an idea in my head can’t nobody stop me.  So we tried.  I mean, we tried.  In completely barbaric terms and for your adult ears only:  you know the Olympics?  Yeah.  It was kind of like that.  But with sex. Oh, come on.  I’m married, in love with my husband, and talking about God’s beautiful gift of procreation here, so suck it up.  Just shake your head and say, “Oh, that Carrie” like you’ve done almost every time you’ve read this blog.  

It didn’t take long.  I still can hardly believe it.  And of course, in answering another question someone asked me, yes, I’m a little scared.  You can’t go through a miscarriage without being hyper sensitive the next time you’re pregnant.  This is a warning to those of you who’ve had a miscarriage.  It’s scary the next time.  You’ll put some unneeded stress on you and your baby because if you’re like me, every time you go to the bathroom you pray you don’t find blood.  But trust me, you’ll get over it.  You will, like me, surrender the whole thing to God.  You’ll sleep at night.  You’ll thank Him again and again and you’ll see the beauty and peace in a situation that brings up painful memories. You’ll be encouraged by a solid group of compassionate friends.  You’ll be scared, but you’ll be okay.  I was scared that maybe I shouldn’t be writing this, announcing this pregnancy so early.  But you know what?  Forget fear.  It will not dictate how I act.  My mother is home and on the road to recovery and by the grace of God learning how to function through the fear again.  So am I.  Something huge is going on in my life and when something huge happens to me, I write about it.  I can’t be afraid that if it ends I’ll be embarrassed, or ashamed, or right back where I started.  No.  Not this time.  You’re with me no matter what, right? 

So what’s next?  What I hope will happen is that I’ll be happy, and fat, and moody, and fat, and uncomfortable, tired, and fat.  I’ll revisit my old maternity clothes and buy new ones, because that’s one of the BEST things about being pregnant.  Say it with me, “stretchy pants.”  I’ll make my husband repaint the blue nursery (because I’m crossing my fingers for a girl) and eventually accept that I can’t control those kinds of things, or anything for that matter, and I’ll be happy with whatever God gives me.  And selfishly, I’ll ask for prayer, because I believe in it.  I’ll ask for strength to endure whatever will happen over the next nine months and strength for the next time I get knocked down, which hopefully won’t be anytime soon.  But if I do get knocked down, I’ll ask to be stubborn enough to get up and try, try again.  Right now, as I type this, I’m looking down at my belly wondering what’s going on in there.  Once again, because I can’t help it, I’m making plans.  I’m falling in love again.  I’m singing a sweet little song to my sweet little nub,
“…Even if the skies get rough/I’m giving you all my love/I’m still looking up…” 

I’m still looking up.