Wednesday, December 12, 2012

And I Feel Fine


Today after having an echo-cardiogram and while being fitted for a heart monitor that I’ll have to wear on my body for the next month, my nurse said to me, “Today is 12/12/12.  Do you think anything bad is going to happen?”  I looked down at the wires hanging off of my chest and the blinking light on the cell phone-sized monitor.  "Are you kidding me?" I thought, but just shrugged it off.   A little sensitivity and perspective is all I’m asking for, people.

I guess I can’t blame her for being distracted by the hype that the world is ending instead of being cognizant of how my world is being shaken up right now.  I blame the Mayans.  The Mayans predicted the end of the world but they couldn't predict drought or the Spanish Invasion of the Yucatan Peninsula, both of which are theorized to have led to their own civilization’s demise.  I don't give the Mayans the credit that others believe they deserve because I know they aren't the only ones who’ve come up with these doomsday theories.  It probably started long before them, and it’s been continuing ever since.  Today of all days, well, conspiracy theorists are jumping on the cliff-headed bandwagon and everyone from fringe scientists to Christian "prophets" are predicting a "major global shift" before the end of 2012.  You too?  Well throw your hat into the ring because apparently it doesn't take any credentials or scientific fact to come up with a doomsday theory.  I know, I’ve heard them all and have been living with the effects of them my entire life.

It started as far back as I can remember.  Like any kid who grew up in a Pentecostal church I was deathly afraid of the penultimate act in the book of Revelations, The Rapture of the church.  When I was a small child, we watched a terrible b-grade movie on the subject in the basement of our church called "Thief In The Night."  I cannot tell you the psychological damage it caused me.  Parents, don’t do this to your children.  Even if you believe the rapture is soon approaching, please believe that your young children are going to go up with you.  The Jesus I believe in doesn’t deny young children, so there's no need to show them this traumatizing propaganda and instill in them a fear so crippling that it will haunt them for the rest of their natural lives.  I used to creep into my parent's bedroom at night just to make sure they were still there, you know, in case the prayers of repentance of a six year old girl went unanswered.  Now that I've gotten older and have had an opportunity to actually read and reflect on the book of Revelations, I have to confess, I'm as confused by it today as I was back then.  The book of Revelations is the biggest head scratcher in all the books of the Bible, with Song of Solomon taking a close second.

A few years after I finally convinced myself that I wouldn’t miss the rapture and I stopped freaking out every time I came home from school to an empty house, I saw another movie, “The Day After.”  We watched this in school.  It was the story of nuclear war between the United States and Russia.  I laugh now, remembering that Steve Gutenberg was the star of the movie, so how scary could it have really been?  But in the early 80’s we were sure that we were as close to nuclear war as we’d ever been.  I saw that “Doomsday Clock” on every news story, and ever since I can remember it’s been at five minutes to midnight.  Scientists came up with this clock.  Actual scientists.  I know this because that is what my third grade teacher said.  “Scientists predict that the world will end.” 

Then in 1990, when I was in the seventh grade, some guy named Iben Browning predicted a major earthquake on the New Madrid fault line in Missouri.  He said it would be an earthquake unparalleled in its devastation.  Some guy predicted this earthquake.  I Googled him recently and one site said that he was a “scientific generalist.”  What does that even mean?  Despite his lack of credentials and the fact that it's impossible to predict earthquakes, the people of Missouri lost their minds.  I saw earthquake preparation boxes on sale at every major department store.  All of my friends’ parents had begun hoarding canned goods and bottled water in their basements (but mine didn’t, of course.)  We had earthquake drills once a week in school.  I was twelve and my sister had just died, so imagine yet another fear filled year, expecting at any given moment that I and those I loved would be wiped off the face of the earth. 

And of course, there was my last year in college when mankind was on the brink of the new millennium but couldn’t enjoy it because of theY2K scare.  Most of you remember that ridiculousness.  I spent New Year’s Eve that year at a church lock-in.  Just in case.  And though none of the Y2K fantasies actually came true, reality hit one year later when two huge jets crashed into the twin towers.  Ever since then, our terrorism threat level is high and everyone is always supposed to be on “red alert.”   I can’t open mail, drink water from the tap, or go to a parade without a slight, nagging thought in the back of my mind, wondering if this is the last thing I’ll ever do. 

No wonder I have freaking heart palpitations.

Needless to say, I cannot remember a time growing up when the news media and those around me didn’t believe in the impending doom of the human race.  No matter what the reason, scientific or spiritual, it seems that “apocalypse fever” spreads faster than the plague.  The doomsday prepping industry is seeing a surge in sales of emergency supplies, generators, bunkers.  I've read "The Road" and the "Left Behind" series.  I don't want to be here after an apocalypse. I don't want to be a survivor. I’d rather die and go be with Jesus.

The funny thing is, nothing that is supposed to happen in the future is scarier to me right now than these heart palpitations that I've been having at night, which are more likely to kill me than a meteor or a nuclear weapon.  I’ve laid in bed at night while having them and thought, well, I guess I’m going to die.  I wonder who would show up at my funeral.  I wonder if my husband would remarry.  I wonder if my son will grow up healthy and normal without me.  Terrible thoughts.  And then I pray and confess everything to God, again. I think, there’s so much I haven’t done, so much I need to do and say and so many people I still have to forgive.  I have to give birth to another baby, someday.  Don’t judge me.  I’m sure when presented with a scary situation you’ve thought of exactly the same kind of things and made some lists of your own.  Maybe you’re doing it now, wondering if in a few weeks it will all be over as you stand and watch everything burn as Sam and Frodo did at “the end of all things.”  Being afraid to die has brought me to my own theory, why people buy into all of this end of the world stuff.  I believe John Donne was right, no man is an island.  It’s easier to accept that the world will end than to accept that your individual days are numbered.  The thought occurred to me while watching Toy Story 3.  Towards the end of the movie it looks like the heroes are going to be incinerated and as the toys plummet towards a fiery furnace, they all accept their fates and join hands.  Because they know what everybody knows:  nobody wants to die alone.  Even Sam and Frodo had each other.

This is pretty heavy stuff and I’m not being flip when I say to myself and to you, cheer up.  Most likely these heart palpitations I’m having are hormonal changes from being overweight and stressed out.  The world is probably not going to end on December 21st.  And the same Bible that told me that Jesus is coming also reminded me that no one knows when.  So don’t be afraid.  If it all ends tomorrow, which it won’t, but if it does, I’m satisfied knowing that it meant something.  I’m thankful I was given the opportunity to live and love and have a son.  If nobody gets the opportunity to read this, I’m glad I wrote it.  I for one don’t think God or the Universe is out to get us.  I think we live and then we die.  It’s the way of things.  In the words of my dearly departed 102 year old grandma, “I’m going to live until I die.”   And now, as I face a future that is just as uncertain now as it was when I was six years old, I can take a deep breath and without fear say the same thing. I’m going to live until I die.  And you should too.

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