I woke up yesterday morning and the room was spinning so fast I thought I was Dorothy in Auntie Em’s house, right before it lands in Oz. I even looked out the window to see if there was a green witch on a broomstick laughing at me. I stumbled into the bathroom for some balance but the bathroom was spinning too. I felt nauseated. I threw up a little. Everything was spinning. I went in to get my son out of bed and was barely able to change his diaper. “Well, what do you want me to do?” my husband said. He couldn’t stay home. His office was being moved into a new state of the art building and today was the big reveal. All of the big wigs were coming out for it. “I can’t stay home,” he said again, guiltily. “I’ll see if my mom can come out,” I said. I’ve told you a little about my mom, but what you may not know is that she has neuropathy and needs to be on pain medicine in able to function. She has a hard time walking and I’m not elaborating when I say she’s in constant pain. I don’t ask her to watch my son too often because of it. It’s not that I don’t trust her, I just think any prolonged alone time with my rambunctious two year old son would finish her off. So after much internal debate, I took the risk and called my mom to come out, which of course she did right away. I asked my brother to come out too and drive me to Urgent Care. Then I called my friend and told her, I’m sorry, there’s no way I can watch your son today and I secretly didn’t think my mom could manage two two-year-olds. Then I emailed everyone in my book club letting them know that there’s no way I can host a book club tonight because I’m just too dizzy. I had a lot going on yesterday. It wasn’t a good day to be sick.
When I finally convinced my mom that no, I’m not pregnant, off I went to Urgent Care to find out that I have an inner ear virus. I’ve never even heard of such a thing. The doctor told me there was nothing he could do about the virus and it would just have to run its course, but he could give me something for the dizziness and nausea. “It may make you drowsy,” he said. “But it should help. If this doesn’t work, give me a call and we can prescribe some valium which will completely relax your ear.” Yeah, and all of my other body parts too. Are you kidding me? I said, “Uh. I’m a stay at home mom. I can’t be hopped up on valium all day. Just give me the light stuff for now.” I didn’t tell him that even Advil makes me a little sleepy. As soon as I took the small yellow “light stuff” pill, it knocked me out. Light stuff, my you know where.
I slept most of the day. The part of the day I wasn’t sleeping I was in somewhat of a twilight phase with my eyes half open, slipping in and out of consciousness, totally hearing everything that was going on around me. I heard my son and my mom talking and playing. I’d sometimes slip into whatever was on the television in the background. I did get all of Oprah’s favorite things! I am sponsored today by the letter W and the number 12! Why is Judge Judy so mad at me? Somehow my son ate lunch and dinner. Sometime yesterday my husband showed up and took my mom home. And somehow, I can’t even remember, I crawled my way into my bed and went back to sleep. The whole day was sort of a blur. I woke up this morning, about fifty percent better, with the room only slightly spinning but not the tornado it was yesterday. I called my mom again. She was already on her way out. I took one look at those yellow pills and thought, forget it. Not today I’m not.
Like I said, I’m at about fifty percent right now which means I’m lucid and well enough to write this, not well enough to drive or operate heavy machinery. So I apologize in advance if this post in particular seems a little “yellow pilly.” I might still be hung over from last night.
The world does not stop spinning if you get sick and are a stay at home. I think of my friend who recently had her gall bladder removed. She has six kids and her husband has a job that requires him to be gone a lot. She doesn’t have readily available help from family. I felt terrible for her. Several people from our church took her dinners while she was recovering and a couple volunteered to baby-sit, but I thought, geeze louise. This lady never gets a break. They removed one of her organs, and she still has to manage her household and take care of six kids. Now, here’s where you men might want to leave the room. Because what I’m about to say is what I’ve heard every woman who has ever existed in the history of the world say. Men are the biggest freaking babies. When a man gets sick, he thinks the world shuts itself off for him. Traffic stops. Grocery stores close. The Dow Jones drops. Airplanes won’t leave the runway. The world as he knows it comes to an end. And who waits on him, hand and foot, runs to get his medicine, makes him soup and makes sure his children are taken care of? That’s right. Me. Men have the luxury of sleeping when they’re sick, of calling into work and taking the day off so their bodies can fully recover. They’re at home but they’re not doing anything. They surely aren’t worried about who’s going to watch the kids when they’re sick because they know who is and who is always watching them. When I get sick, I don’t get to call in. I call my mommy, and sometimes mommy is available and sometimes she’s not. I have to drag myself through the day. I have to feed my son and I have to make sure he gets a nap, so I can get one too. I don’t have days to give my body a chance to recover. I have a couple of hours to reboot my system. Viruses actually piggy back on one another in the body of a stay at home mom. Nothing shuts down like it does for a man until we’re at the point where we’re literally unable to keep our eyes open and crawling across the floor to get to our beds. The world keeps right on spinning, and so does the room.
Now right about now if you’re thinking that this is me being crabby, you’re right. If you think I’m feeling just a little bit sorry for myself, you’re right about that as well. But you also need to shut it. If you’re saying either one of those things you are clearly not a woman, or a mom, much less a stay at home mom. You’re a big, whiny, freaking baby of a man. So shut up. Just. Shut. Up.
Sorry, that’s my little yellow pill talking.
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